I remember my first hit of weed, my first Coors beer, first line of cocaine at 16 years old. It made me feel like a man and accepted. I was part of the bathroom club at parties. I hung out with people I never would of without coke. The sad part is I am an addict. When I brought some crack to the party everyone walked away. Crack meant I was a real addict and no one wanted anything to do with me.
Crack was amazing…it was like a 30 second orgasm. The problem was 5 minutes later I was pawning off my bike, roomates guitar and anything else I could find. It was not sustainable. I then found crystal meth. Yea the high was not as intense as crack but I could smoke it, snort it, put it in my coffee….This was my drug of choice until I had to grow up and get legal with adderall. Cheap, easy to find, predictable and mixes well with weed and booze for the most part. What it does not mix well with for me is Wellbutin. It put me is psychosis and landed me in the ER and on a M1 hold…a 72 hour lockdown.
I love you drugs but this was the first time in 20 years I was without you. I had to feel….feel all the mistakes and shame, guilt and hurt I put on myself and others. I found myself in a rehab. I got real with myself and did the work. It was painful and very ugly but beautiful and peaceful at the same time.
Today I am over 6 months free from drugs and alcohol. I am not mad at you drugs and alcohol. You where with me for many lonley nights. You took me to the heavens and the depths of hell. Thank you for teaching me who I was. Thank you for the experience.